Dads, Children, and Self-Esteem

So just what is the role of dad in raising a motivated and independent child? A well rounded child who will be able to go toe-to-toe with the real world, roll with the punches and persevere? What tools can you possibly equip your child with?  Profound questions to ponder as you snap back to the now and focus on getting the diaper to stay in place while attempting to powder up the little one’s business end. Nevertheless, taking on this reoccurring event (diaper duty) can play a role in helping your child develop a high level of self-esteem, as well as foster a healthy relationship between the two of you. What if diaper duty is a task of the past? No worries Dads, Dr. Ingrid Schweiger, author of “Self-Esteem for a Lifetime”, states that self-esteem is a dynamic and ongoing process.  Before we move on to the actions you can take, let’s first clarify what self-esteem is and the benefits a child obtains when having an involved dad and high self-esteem.

In a nutshell, self-esteem is the confidence and satisfaction in oneself.  In addition to this, Dr. Nathaniel Brandon, author of “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem”, believes that self-esteem is a self-fulfilling prophecy. “How can this be?” you may ask. Well it goes like this. “Self-esteem creates a set of implicit expectations about what is possible and appropriate to us. These expectations tend to generate the actions that turn them into realities. And the realities confirm and strengthen the original beliefs.” A little deep, but the importance of high self-esteem is clear.

Children with high self-esteem tend to fit the “motivated and independent” mold mentioned in the opening. So just what does this mean with regards to a child’s character and moral fiber? Dr. Jenn Berman, author of “The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids”, presents data which suggests that children across the age spectrum benefit from an involved dad and high self-esteem. For example:

·   Infants are more curious and better at dealing with stressful situations.

·  One year olds have less separation anxiety.

·  Children show greater cognitive aptitude.

·  Children are twice as likely to enter college or to find steady employment after high school, 75 percent less likely to become pregnant as teenagers, 80 percent less likely to spend time in jail, and half as likely to experience depression than those with lower self-esteem.

·   Teenagers are at a 40% lower risk of smoking, drinking, and using drugs than teens with lower self-esteem.

These are but a few of the extraordinary results which benefit children who have an involved father as well as high self-esteem.  

As it turns out, self esteem is not just a onetime conversation you have with your child and it’s done. There are many factors which influence your child’s self esteem over the course of their childhood. As children grow, the different environments they find themselves in (i.e. home, daycare, school, church, sports) tend to have greater influence on the child’s overall self-esteem.  One major contributor, which the “self esteem authorities” seem to agree upon, is the role of the father during the child’s childhood. Simply put, dad’s need to realize that everything said and all actions taken (or lack thereof) added up over a childhood; impacts a child’s self-esteem unlike any other. No pressure here dads.

So armed with this information dads, it’s time to take action and understand your role. There are many things we can do to make our kids feel good about themselves. Dr. Jenn Berman offers many fundamental and comprehensive strategies in her book, “The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy, Confident Kids”. Below are a few of her suggestions.

1.  Watch Your Words. Simply put, no name calling. We must be able to separate the behavior from the person. For example, say, “Your room is messy” instead of “You are so messy.”

2.  Be Accepting. Let your children know that despite any quirks, you love them for who they are.

3.  Apologize. If you say something hurtful towards your child, apologize. This action teaches your child how to make amends.

4.  Teach Your Child To Fail. “Children who don’t learn to lose, don’t learn to win.” Losing is an opportunity for a child to learn about themselves, persevere, and overcome obstacles.

5.   Be a Self-esteem Role Model. “Self-esteem is one of those areas in which the parent must lead by example.”

Dad’s role is to help create a safe, nurturing, and supportive environment which utilizes these strategies. Not only will you be placing your child on a path towards high self-esteem, but you will also be fostering a healthy father/child relationship.

Bullies

I am certain that most every parent would like their child (or children for that matter) to have a better childhood than the one they experienced. However, as our children grow and find themselves in new environments and surrounded by new people (i.e. daycare, preschool, elementary school) elements outside our normal control begin to actively engage our children on a regular basis. And although many of these experiences are positive and help our children grow, there are some which are inexcusable and no child should have to endure. Case in point, bullies.

With so much information available, the goal of Ultradad is to simply offer a solid overview regarding bullying. We will bring to light a few signs to watch for which may suggest your child is being bullied, as well as a few signs which may indicate your child as being the bully. We will go over different courses of action, bring to attention a few statistics, and point you in the direction of additional help. But first off, we need to be clear as to what bullying is.
According to Dan Olweus, an author and leading expert on Bullying prevention, “A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself.”
Not sure if your child is being bullied? According to Stop Bullying Now, a few possible warning signs that your child is being bullied may include:

• Comes home with torn or damaged clothing, books, or other belongings
• Has unexplained cuts, bruises, or scratches
• Takes a long “illogical” route when walking to or from school
• Has lost interest in school work or suddenly begins to do poorly in school
• Appears anxious and suffers from low self-esteem

On the other hand, are you concerned that your child might be the bully? If not, you should be as 47 states have some sort of “parental liability law” in place and other states looking to introduce similar legislation. Additionally, left unchecked early bullying behavior can lead to more serious problems later in life. Bullying Statistics offers these possible warning signs that your child may be a bully:

• Views violence positively as the solution to most problems
• Shows aggression towards adults as well as other children
• Needs to dominate others and control situations
• Easily frustrated
• Lacks empathy

Upon communicating and confirming with your child that there is a bullying problem, action must be taken. In this case, action is in the form of further communication and extensive documentation.

According to Love Our Children USA you should find out if your child’s school is aware of the bullying? If not, communicate to them (without the protective anger) and make them aware of the bullying problem, voice your concerns, and insist that the issue be handled immediately. Also, remember to document everything. For example, you will want to note who you spoke with at the school, the times and the dates. Additionally, if your child has had any altercations with the bully, you will want to document those as well. Make notes of the times, dates, those involved, witnesses and a recap of any verbal exchanges. With luck and good fortune, the issue will be resolved by the school within a week or so. However, if the issue is not resolved to your satisfactory, there is more you can do.

A “Notice of Harassment Form” is a more assertive way for parents to inform the school, teachers, the parent(s) of the bully, or school administrators that there is a persistent bullying problem which needs to be addressed. According to Documenta Legal Forms “the recipient will then be obligated to address the situation or face additional liability for the bully’s actions.” Bullying is a serious issue and should not be dismissed as simply a part of growing up. The long term effects of bullying are still being studied; however, those statistics which have come to light are disturbing.

According to bullyingstatistics.org, children who are victims of bullies are more likely to suffer from depression as adults. Additionally, these victims are more likely to experience the effects of low self esteem, anxiety, physical ailments, as well as having a high rate of school absenteeism. On the other hand, Dan Olweus states that in his studies of those who continued to bully into middle school, 60% had at least one criminal conviction by age 24. It seems that the effects of bullying are far reaching to everyone involved.

Not to justify the cruel and unacceptable actions of the bully in anyway, we as parents need to understand that there is probably more to the bully’s “why” than what we are able to make out. And that the only real way to permanently solve the problem is to fully address both it and the underlying issues which lead up to the bully’s actions. A “zero tolerance” school policy is not a fix; rather it is a form of “kicking the can down the road”. Sure the expulsion of the bully makes us feel better, but it simply extends the nasty cycle and dooms another child to suffer the same effects of bullying by not addressing the real issue.

The information provided is meant to serve as a starting point for those dealing with a bully. There is much more information available and Ultradad encourages parents to seek out that which is most applicable to their individual situation.